all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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