i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
