Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
