look no pants
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
