hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
