Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
