yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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