dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
