70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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