I can feel you judging me through the phone.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
