i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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