at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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