alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
