I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
