Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
