it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
