why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
