I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
