you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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