Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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