dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
