There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
