Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
