I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
