Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
