I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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