ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So much rum. So many feels.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
