i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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