someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
