Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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