So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
