i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
