Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
