I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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