Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
