i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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