I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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