also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
