dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
