Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
