What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
