I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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