My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
