the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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