My underwear smells like fireworks.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
