Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
