There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
