My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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