While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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