I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
